Guess what? I have a nemesis. And by nemesis I mean something inanimate that gets me all out of whack. Actually, it’s my fault we don’t get along. Wow, that’s gonna weigh on my conscience.
You see, dairy and I have an interesting relationship. I eat it, my body thinks it’s some foreign object and goes completely bonkers, and then I feel pretty bonkers for a while. What I’m saying is that I have a dairy sensitivity. This is different than being lactose intolerant, which has to do with being unable to digest milk sugar, or lactose.
I just have a reaction when I eat dairy products. I don’t go in to anaphylactic shock or anything, so it’s not a serious issue. I can be around milk, touch milk, talk to milk, but I feel much, much better when I avoid eating it.
However, I feel like since I’ve taken dairy out of my diet, we have come to understand each other better. We have sort of a mutual agreement to avoid each other, unless of course dairy is in the form of a warm, gooey, chocolate chip cookie (Hey, I have my weaknesses). Basically, we respect each other, but we keep our distance.
Luckily for you, thanks to my careful observation of the ways of dairy, I’m able to tell you your horoscope based on your favorite ice cream flavor. Boom. Here goes.
Vanilla: You like things simple. Habits and patterns are nice, but sudden changes freak you out. My prediction is that your usual parking spot will get taken, and road rage you didn’t even know you were capable of will get you an even better parking spot. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back. Also you will probably get Chinese takeout for dinner. Again.
Chocolate: You don’t do distractions. No pieces or chunks of chocolate for you. You want the real deal: the pure, unadulterated wonder that is chocolate! By the way, you should probably go out to the store right now and load up on some chocolate ice cream because you are going to get a major chocolate craving today. (From reading this?) Why are you still sitting here? I just gave you an excuse to buy a ton of ice cream!
Strawberry: You’re the kind of person who likes a bit more excitement in your ice cream than just plain chocolate or vanilla, but you’re not quite rainbow sherbet adventurous. If you like pieces of actual strawberry in your ice cream, the stoplights will finally change in your favor today. If you don’t like pieces of strawberry, then the place you go for lunch will forget to charge you for something small. When you go up and tell the cashier (Which you will because strawberry people are very virtuous) they’ll tell you not to worry, and they won’t charge you! But you might step in gum so watch where you walk…
Mint Chip: You most likely love cats, and you have nice smelling breath from all of that mint. Also, you like things fresh and clean. My prediction for you is that many opportunities will be opened to you. And by that I mean someone nice will hold the door for you, but hey it’s a start.
Cookies and Cream: You probably like your desserts a lot because your favorite ice cream is like dessert-ception. I respect that. My prediction for you is that you will run into the Cookie Monster, you two will come to find that you have a lot in common and will be best friends forever. I am seriously so jealous.
Neapolitan: You must be very indecisive. Everyone else only picked one flavor. Why do you get three? Today, you won’t be able to find the shirt you want to wear, and will be forced to choose another one. You will feel so empowered by making that huge of a decision on such short notice that you will soon be able to order at restaurants without asking the waiter what he or she would recommend. You are welcome.
Peanut Butter Chocolate: Reese’s are your favorite candy, am I right? You like to mix things up a bit every now and then to keep your life exciting. My prediction is that the movie you want to watch won’t be on Netflix, but you’ll get a coupon for a free box of lotion Kleenexes. That’s a pretty big deal. Also, you will get lots of compliments on your hair.
Butter Pecan: You think you’re a lot better than me because this is your favorite ice cream, and I’ve never tried it before. You probably just picked it so you could go around saying “Yeah, Molly claims to love food, but she’s never tried my favorite flavor of ice cream, so…Yeah.” You are so mean. This is not about me though; it’s about you, as I’m sure you were on the verge of reminding me. Well, you might trip over something sort of foot-shaped, but it would be a complete accident. I promise.
Piña Colada: If you’re under 21 years old, then you probably enjoy pretending that you are super cool and mature. Your dog will take you for a loooong walk, but you will enjoy the fresh, air. If you don’t have a dog, you will spill food on the floor and have to clean it up yourself because no dog will be there to do it for you. Maybe you should get a dog.
Frozen Yogurt: Are you kidding me right now? This is an ICE CREAM horoscope… Some people need to do a little more research.
Sorbet: OH MY GOSH I CAN STILL EAT SORBET. I like you, person. If you can’t have dairy either, then I like you even more! If sorbet is just your favorite, than I admire your health-consciousness. I mean, I’d rather be eating real ice cream. Right, your horoscope! Well, it appears that you have a killer fashion sense.
Blue’s Clues: If you’re over 12, you might want to sit yourself down and have a little chat about your priorities in life. Oh, and someone you don’t recognize will wave at you today. That is all.
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